ANGRY AT DAD

As a woman struggling with same-sex attractions, I am not saying that it is my father’s fault that I prefer women over men, but I know that his actions helped root the rotten tree that is growing in me.

Dealing with this situation in therapy brings up so many little ties that lead from one thought to another, one hurt to another, bringing back memories and associations.

This situation came up today that totally brought back the fear and intimidation that my dad used on us as children and still to this day tries to use. He is not physically abusive, the verbal has been enough. I am so angry that he treated us this way. I am angry that he didn't make us a priority in his time.

Yes, he provided a living, but there is so much more to parenting than putting food on the table. Is hunting and fishing so important that you can't take time for your children? Where are you, why aren't you home with us? Why don't you help with the family needs? I am angry that he treats my mother so poorly and then thinks she should respond to him kindly. I am angry that he will go out of his way for friends but when asked to do things at home acts like he is so inconvenienced.

His selfishness in putting his needs before anyone else's, including my mother, sends me through the roof. He tries to portray himself as the big hero and my mom as just a big nag, so the people at church have a skewed opinion of them. He is the master of guilt trips and after a lifetime of taking his guilt trips, it takes a while to break out of the pattern.

Today, I wanted to hurt him like he has hurt me. I wanted to yell at him and say, You know what, I never want to get married because I am afraid that I will marry someone like you. I wanted to tell him that he makes living a lesbian life more and more attractive. At this time he doesn't know about me, but he would then.

Telling him the hurts would only be a lesson in futility. Partly because he would say that he doesn't see it that way. Partly because he is ill.

I know that you are only getting one side of the story, but you
know what, it is true. I am not the only one who sees it, but I know I am so biased. I am extremely angry at him and if I didn't see him for a very long time I would not be upset.

My anger and hatred grows as he continues to act this way and doesn't take responsibility for his actions, blaming them on other people because they didn't do this or that and so he had to act this way. And of course, he is right, just ask him. I can't stand my father and thinking of having to respect him just makes me ill. I know this attitude spills over onto my opinions of other men.

Sorry, but this is true.

--- Crystal

P.S. Last night I was talking to my mom and she asked me how I was doing in regards to my same sex attractions (SSA). She told me that I was her hero for working so hard at changing my attractions. I let her know that change was very slow and I was really resistant to it. She started asking me about some of the origins of my SSA and I talked about some of the things pertaining to my anger at my dad and how that translated into anger toward and fear of all men. I brought up how I had a sister and she had a daughter that was sick for 2 years and died and we never talked about it. I mentioned that it was like she never existed in our family. I went on to tell her about an attraction to/dependence on a woman that I have in my life right now and how I didn't want to give that up. I was crying during this time and when I stopped I said, "I could use a hug here". So she just came over and held me for a while and I cried on her shoulder. It was such a nice moment and I didn't want to let go.