Frank tells his story

The turning point came to me back in the late 1990's. For a while up until then, I was a gay male actively pursuing conquests of any kind. I strictly kept it exclusively with those I knew and not with strangers. The turning point happened when I just did not enjoy it anymore and all that it was simply addiction to oral sex.

I never went all the way. Oral Sex was as far as I went and it was because for that long that I did, it did give me a pleasurable feeling all over my body and it also gave me a feeling of satisfaction. But then the reality will always set in and you will feel as empty as you were before performing the sexual act. That is why I kept doing it because of the feeling that I got as well as the feeling of fullness that I received afterwards gave me that certain feeling of satisfaction. That is why I found it difficult to resist because of the pseudo positive feelings that I got from performing the act.

Also, it was also because of selfishness. Not on my part but on the part of the other guys. Those guys would always come to me and ask me to perform oral sex and when I refused because I really did not want to do it anymore, they would resort to begging or even worse, expose their erections and I would give in and perform. This went on for years. I was being used as a plaything for these selfish guys and I felt powerless because of this.

Even though I was not performing anything sexual for a long time, the feelings, cravings, desires and all other sorts of related things regarding them kept coming back and I would always feel miserable because due to public opinion regarding Homosexuality/Gayness, I felt that there was nothing that could be done about my homosexuality and so I would always wish that I was dead.

Then I started reading ex-gay books. Finally, I felt that a twenty ton weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I was finally getting answers. I felt better.

But it did take me years to find out about change. I even went to psychologists as well as psychiatrists where I only got frustrated because they kept telling me the same old thing: "You Are Gay. It Is Natural. There's Nothing That You Can Do About It. Embrace It And Live It. Forget About Ever Changing It." I could not do that! It would've only made me miserable if I did. I kept going because something always kept telling me that there was a way out.

As a wise man once said: "Persistance and Perserverance Pays Off." I do have to agree. Because I typed in the Yahoo search engine this question: "Can Gay Men Go Straight?" I got over 10,000 entries and the one that caught my eye was the entry that had the link to the book entitled You Don't Have To Be Gay by Jeff(Bud) Konrad. I ordered it via Amazon and read it. It opened my eyes. Nearly two decades of questions were finally answered.

I have also read some other books, not directly dealing with Homosexuality/Gayness/SSA, but can be a help to people that are struggling with it. Below are the books that I have read:

Absent Fathers, Lost Sons: The Search For Masculine Identity by Guy Corneau

Healing The Unaffirmed: Recognizing Emotional Deprivation Disorder by Conrad Baars and Anna Terruwe

Your Inner Child Of The Past by W.Hugh Misseldine(sp)

I had an absent father. I only spent a brief time with him when I was 8-9 years old. It was the worst experience. He was a religious fanatic who never gave me love. Only punishment. Each and every time that I made a mistake, he slapped me around. He expected perfection but when he did not get it, he let me have it. The rest of my life, he was never around and I was lost in the world because of it.

--Frank