When you first find out, all you want to do is cry forever.
You hope that you'll wake up, and it's only a terrible dream.
You pinch yourself to just make sure, but you know it's real. It's
happening. But it can't be happening!
Shock...denial...grief accompanied by a pain that just won't go
away. You see all your hopes and dreams lying shattered before
you. Your world has really come apart. You feel broken.
You feel so depressed. You feel hopeless, and can't see how this
could get better. I hate this! This is the worst pain in
the world. Where is God right now? Will this pain ever
go away? I need to know. How in the world are my ever
going to get through this?...
1. Surrender to God completely right now.
I promise you this. If you don't give your loved one to God
right now, if you do not constantly lift him/her up to God and ask
Him to be the one to work, you will spend every day after this in
complete misery and hopelessness. Surrender to God.
Give your loved one up to Him. Realize you cannot save
him/her. The verse that got me through the first weeks was I
Corinthians 6:9-11: "that's what some of you WERE. This verse shows
that your loved one CAN change!!! God doesn't make anyone gay.
CHANGE IS POSSIBLE. Here is something that I would read to
myself every day:
God wants to meet ________ need for love, acceptance and identity.
God doesn't condemn, He offers another chance of life.
________ can change by God's power. I, need to let go. I
cannot stop _______, my precious one, from pursuing this life.
I am not in control, but God is. I must trust God to draw
________ by His Spirit. I must trust God to protect ________.
God loves _______, my loved one, even more than I do! God's
timing is perfect. His methods are perfect. I must wait
on God to work in _________'s life.
2. Learn to pray in complete
faith and hope. Pray! Pray! Pray!
Become a prayer warrior. Learn how to pray in complete faith.
A situation like this completely rocks your faith. You may
find that you don't have any right now. When I found out I
literally only had less than a mustard seed...but I gave it all to
God. And as I drew to Him, I was amazed at how much He
increased it. Prayer is power. Prayer changes YOU!
I love praying the psalms such as psalm 35, 139-143, and you can
personalize them with your loved one's name in it and pray them!
This is amazing and powerful. You will see I promise!
3. Hold tight to God's
promises! The Bible says that ALL God's promises
are YES and AMEN in Jesus Christ. Because of Jesus we can hold tight
to the promises in the Bible!! Jesus said in John 14:13-14
that if you ask anything in the name of Jesus, He will do it so that
God may be glorified in Him. If you ask ANYTHING in the name
of Jesus, it will be done. I love that verse--it's one of my
many promise verses that I have held to during this time. Grab
hold of these verses and personalize them for you and your loved
4. Grieve--let it all out!!
This is grief, this is loss. It doesn't have to a permanent
loss but right now your loved one is lost in this lifestyle.
The enemy has snatched him/her up. It's very sad to learn
this. It's really hard. Be sure to grieve. Cry and
get it all out and THEN lay your sorrow at the foot of the cross.
When you lay it down, don't pick it back up!! Surrender your
grief and lay it at the foot of the cross. Does this mean you
will never feel sad? That you will never ever cry again over
your loved one? No. Of course not. But the huge
sorrow....the overwhelming one that makes you want to not go on,
this is the one you must get all out, and then surrender it.
You'll never get through this if you are controlled by your grief
for day after day. You'll be miserable, and will not be of any
help to your loved one.
5. Immerse yourself in Praise
and Worship music. The last thing you feel like
doing right now is praising God right? You are devastated and
don't know what to do. How in the world can you lift up your
hands in worship to God? But this is not what we see in the
Bible. We see worshiping God at all times. What helped
me more than anything when I went through this for the first time
was listening, and after I was able to because it takes some time,
singing praise and worship songs. There is something healing
about worshiping God. I know it's the last thing you feel like
doing but it really really does help. Hillsong Worship
Australia is awesome and those are the albums that really got me
through those hard first weeks. Also, and this is not praise and
worship but it's a great CD, an album called The Mercy Project.
It cradled me like a baby when I felt so scared and sad. The Mercy
Project is what I needed in the very beginning and then I put the
hillsong worship in and that helped me a lot and I listen to that to
this day. It's amazing. Ask me about these if you would like to know
6. Learn, learn, learn!!
Get your hands on everything. Go to PFOX's site at www.pfox.org for
more resources. You want to know all there is to know
about SSA. You want to know how to talk to your loved one when
you have opportunities. Educating yourself and learning how to
communicate with him/her is essential.
7. Get counseling if necessary.
You will get a lot of support and encouragement here but you may
need or want more help. You may want to seek counseling if you feel
you need more than just support. I'm glad you are here
though!! That's a great step to healing :)
8. Be a beacon of hope and a
shining light for your loved one. He/She
is going to be watching you. Someone who is suffering
and broken isn't going to find much hope in a Christian who seems
almost just as miserable. It is important that you take care
of yourself (including the things I mentioned above, but definitely
not limited to this list). You know how you help your loved one? The
two biggest things are prayer and your own walk with God. You
know what the Bible says? The Bible says we need to make
people JEALOUS with the hope that we have. Your loved one
needs to see something different in you. He/She needs to see
something in you that he/she does not have but that he/she
desperately wants. You need to make him/her jealous with the
hope you have in you. But if you don't have hope that won't be
possible. Remember our hope is in Jesus Christ--in who He is.
Let God change you!! Pray "God change me" not "God change my
circumstances." That's HUGE. God may not change your
circumstances in the way you want Him to or when you want Him to but
He will definitely change you if you ask Him. Grow deeper in
love with God. He is EVERYTHING. Is He your world?
Then show it!!! This is what your loved one needs to see in
you. This is a BIG way for you to help him/her. Growing
in God for yourself. You can't change your loved one, but you
can be an example. And you can sure do a lot for yourself.
And this is what helps. Promise!!!
What Can I Do Now?
After you have learned how to take care of yourself and have found
healing in the Master Healer Himself, you will be ready to focus
more on how you can help your loved one. Here are some of the
things I have learned and what I have found most effective in
reaching out to my loved ones:
1. Pray and keep communication lines open. This
is number one!!!
2. Remember, you cannot change him/her. I
know how much you just want to shake him/her and make him/her see
the truth. If he/she would just listen to you he/she would save
himself (and you) so much pain.
3. Love more; talk less. Unconditional
love has been my most influential tool. My gay best friend is also a
pagan witch. (Talk about heartache). He was surrounded all his life
by fake Christians and finally rejected the faith. The only reason
he listens to me talk about Christ is because I show him
unconditional love. He isn't very open to anyone else sharing the
gospel with him other than me.
4. Continue to take hold of our spiritual weapon: God's Word and
great book to get is The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie
Omartian. Get her prayer cards--she breaks down different areas in
which you can pray for your loved one. Sometimes we just don't know
what to pray for. Remember, homosexuality is a symptom of the real
problem...we need to find the root issues...pray about those roots.
Another great book is "Praying the Prodigal Home." It is amazing and
touches on homosexuality and personal stories from parents. Do you
have a prayer partner? If not, get one right away. Pray daily
together and just see God move. Every night my prayer partners and I
pray for our loved ones. We have seen God move in unbelievable ways.
It happens very very slowly at first. For a year it seemed like
nothing was happening.
5. Don’t forget how deep God’s love runs for your loved one.
Say this to yourself everyday: God loves _______ more than I do! I
know that sounds incrediblely simplistic but that is the one thing
that has comforted me more than anything on this journey.
6. Hold on to those promise verses. Find
some verses in the Bible that really remind you of what God is doing
for your loved one as you pray. For example, one of my favorites is
Isaiah 57:18-19: "I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will
lead him and restore comfort to him and to his mourners, creating
the praise of the lips. Peace, peace to him who is far and to him
who is near, says the LORD, and I will heal him." Personalize these
verses: replace "him" with your loved one's name.
7. When you share something, be ready for your loved one to share
something with you.
Let him/her talk. Just listen. Breathe. Think before you speak and
make sure your loved one is finished. Avoid futile quarrels.
8. Know what sways your loved one. Facts
vs. Feelings. If it's feelings, you'll want to focus on sharing
testimonies not scientific and medical facts. If it's facts, then
you want to share the scientific and medical facts.
9. Know how much you can share at one time. Don't
push too much just because you know that if he/she would just read
this it will be clear to him/her. Don't be swayed by that logic.
It's easy to fall for. There is always a limit, and if you want to
continue to share things with your loved one then you need to know
what that limit is.
10. Make sure you have a very strong, open relationship with your
loved one first. Take
time to just build the relationship before you share anything. Let
your loved one talk first. Let him/her share what is on his/her
mind. Just listen.
11. Remember your loved one's beliefs are just as strong as yours. His/Her
feelings are very real. Never forget the realness of all of this. If
he/she is in a homosexual relationship, that is real. And that is
important to him/her.
12. Never compromise. Your
loved one's beliefs will change all the time. But never let yours
change. Hold to your convictions. Make sure your loved one knows
them (once only). Once your loved one knows knows, he/she knows. And
they will continue to be clear to him /her by your unmoving
convictions and faith. Your loved one most likely will not need to
13. You are the gospel that your loved one is reading. He/She
may not want to pick up a Bible. Your loved one may do all he/she
can to empty him/herself of every Bible verse that has been hid in
his/her heart. But he/she will always read you, and you are the
greatest testimony he/she could ever read. Truly model Christ before
your loved one. Christ neither condemned nor condoned. Master the
balance between the two. My friend actually said this to me: "You
my dear, are an actual Christian to me. When I read the bible,
I see Star. Sure you make mistakes, but you still live the
life that I think God would want (if he was real)."
Your loved one may not say something like this to you, but he/she
will see the difference in you (If there is one!) over time.
Keep in mind that this may also be what keeps him/her away (the
conviction). Trust God is working and, even in his/her
bitterness toward you, your Christian influence will win out in the
end. (Another loved one of mine did not talk to me for almost
two years for, I believe, this reason. I would write to him
once every month. Finally, he did respond to me. He said
only the nicest things, which lead me to believe that he was
observing me that whole time, thinking about everything. He
still does not communicate with me regularly but because of that
letter, I know my influence is effective. Do not lose hope in
your prodigal loved one who wants nothing to do with you.
He/She can shut you out of his/her life, but your Christian
influence will live on. God will see to that! Pray and
live the life!