How do you respond to your homosexual loved one's friend?

The Value of Friends and Family

by Rev. John J. Smid

How do you respond to your homosexual loved one's friend? Can you really make a difference in his life?

Frequently, we are asked by family and friends of a homosexual loved one, “How can our family make a difference to our loved one’s “friend?” In this article I want to share some of my personal experiences of how the Lord used families and friends to encourage me towards salvation and ultimately find my freedom from homosexuality.

“John, I need to tell you something about my sister and her husband before we go to their house” Joe nervously interjected into the lag in our conversation. “In some ways you might find them kind of strange. You see, they have things all around their house about Jesus, and they like to talk a lot about their religion. They are pretty strong in their feelings about things like that.” My partner decided it best to let me know about his Christian sister and brother-in-law before I experienced their openness.

Joe’s family became some of the first people to show me the way to a true saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. Joan and her husband were pretty adamant about their feelings about their faith, as well as their feelings about their brother’s homosexuality. These two issues often came into our conversations together in one swoop. But the bottom line was their love for their brother and their relationship with Christ.

Joan was open with all of her brother’s friends and partners. There were many men who had talked with Joan. She never once condoned her brother’s homosexuality, but she allowed a freedom in conversation that was nonjudgemental while keeping Christ as the most important relationship in her life. 1 Pet. 3:15 says, “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” And Joan seemed to have a knack for doing just that.

“My parents don’t know anything about my homosexuality, so be careful what you say and do when we go to my house for Christmas.” I was so excited about going to Disneyland for Christmas that I didn’t think too much about what Mark had said until I got to their home. We were going to spend several days there.

What I found was a loving pastor’s home and a family atmosphere that was quite inviting to me. I was just beginning to search for more knowledge about the Lord and His Word at this time in my life. I was quite interested in this “pastor thing,” especially staying in the home of one.

Mark’s dad was quite a role model for me. He spent a lot of time talking about the Lord, which greatly encouraged me. He led a Scripture reading before each dinner and prayed for his family, thanking God for each of them. Little did I know that my walk towards Jesus would be enhanced through these vessels. Disneyland was great, but the greater thing on that particular Christmas was that my soul was fed. I wasn’t ready to walk out of my homosexual relationship with their son, but I was building the faith necessary for when that time would come.

I had gotten a new job where I sat next to a very bubbly girl who seemed to have a great relationship with all those around her. It was apparent that she had something pretty exciting going on in her life. She had Christian things all around her desk which drew my interest. She was very open about her relationship with Christ...so open that she would often turn around and open a discussion about something she had read in her Bible or talk about church the past Sunday.

Pat had an enthusiasm that we all hungered to experience. She often invited me to her church, telling me that I would be sure to enjoy what I would experience there. This is all great, I enjoy her willingness to invite me—but, she doesn’t know that I’m gay. What would she do if she found out? I thought. When she did find out, nothing changed! So I was even more willing to take her up on her invitation.

My relationship with her grew into other friendships. She introduced me to her other friends, who also knew my little secret. They didn’t reject me either. This was confusing to me, but I found more places to discuss my growing interest in the Bible and other Christian things.

I finally went to her church and found she was right. It was a very encouraging place to be. I will never forget the pastor going down the aisle and stopping at my row. He looked at me and complimented me on my yellow sweater. My deep hunger for affirmation was slightly filled that day.

“John, can we pray with you right now?” I was engaged in a discussion with Pat and her male friend about my desire to break free from homosexuality. That was the first time I cried while praying. The Lord laid a foundation with Pat and Jerry that I trusted. I was willing to pray that first prayer of willingness before the Lord and in the witness of my friends.

After more times at Pat’s church, I found myself repeating over and over the sinner’s prayer with the closing alter call. I met Jesus through this church. But I still wasn’t free from my homosexuality. As Scripture says, "The Lord your God will drive out those nations before you, little by little. You will not be allowed to eliminate them all at once, or the wild animals will multiply around you." (Deut. 7:22) The door to freedom had just opened and it was going to be some time before I was going to be ready to walk through it.

I was still in a relationship with Joe through all of this. But our relationship became increasingly strained as he was growing jealous of my relationship with Jesus. Joe’s sister, Joan, called me to invite me to a “revival service” her church was having. By this time I was growing more used to “church things,” so I took her up on her invitation. It was in that service that I found the hope for change in my life.

I was experiencing an increasing amount of pain from my severe emotional dependencies with men and not finding relief. But that evening I felt a strong message going through my brain. It was clearly from God and the words will never be forgotten. “John, you don’t have to live this way any longer.” I knew exactly what He meant. Someone cared enough to let me know that I could be free from all of this pain. That someone was Jesus Christ.

My dad is another example of the value of family in the life of the homosexual. My dad took no pleasure in coming into my life when it was filled with my homosexuality. But he would come to anything I invited him to such as Christmas dinners or birthday celebrations.

My dad’s response always showed me more truth. He always treated my gay friends with respect. I could see the pain in him, but I could also see the heart of God through his participation in my life even when it was uncomfortable. I never thought for one minute that he was in any way compromising his values or agreeing with my wrong choices. I knew clearly where he stood regarding my life; he wasn’t going to change his stand on my immorality. Now, looking back, I see my dad’s love even more clearly than before. We both rejoice in what God has done through the painful things of this life.

I didn’t find God initially, nor could I have trusted Him or even been in a place to hear His voice if it had not been for a number of people that came into my life. Joe’s sister and her family; Mark’s home and especially his father; and Pat and her friends were truly Jesus to me. It took their willingness to reach out of their own situation into mine to help lead me to a better place.

“My son wants to bring his partner to dinner this week. I don’t know if this is right or not. I feel like I am somehow condoning his sin if I include his partner.”

“My daughter wants to include her partner in our Christmas Eve service at church this year. This is our family time and I’m just not sure I feel comfortable with all the questions that might get asked about this person who is our guest.”

Truly, what would Jesus do? I would not be sitting here writing this letter if it would not have been for people who held tightly to their godly standards while loving me toward my own faith in Jesus.

If you ever wonder what value there is in relating to friends and acquaintances of your homosexual loved one, please hear it from me. I am grateful for the families and friends that helped me along the way. They were reaching towards me out of their own pain over the rebellion of their loved ones. They were comforting me in my troubles with the comfort they had received in theirs (2Cor. 1:3 & 4).

I pray often for my former partners with the same hopes and dreams of their families. I long to see them enjoy the freedom I have found through Christ.