PFOX Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays

I Got Mad at God

By Florence Hubbs

 

In 5th grade, I got mad at God...As a child I had been sexually abused, by a distant uncle. He later became my step-father. I would often pray that the abuse would stop. I figured if God couldn't stop this I would take care of myself. I began to build a wall around my heart. When we moved to a different city, my first friend would invite me to her house. Her father would insist on joining me when I went to the bathroom,-so he could fondle me. As a child I couldn't understand how or why God allowed this to continue.

 

This was not God's plans, but man’s sin. I believed the lies from the violator; "if I told anyone bad things would happen to those I love or to me" I also believed Satan's lies that I was not worth anything. As I got older my step- father withdrew from me. Making me feel rejected. I later realized that perpetrators don't want to be accused of statutory rape, so they continue to seek younger children.

 

AT 16 I started drinking to erase the pain. Not really caring about myself. I had sex with my first boyfriend. The relationship only lasted nine months; my stepfather was extremely jealous and made me break up with him.

 

When I went to Junior College -- my Mom told me to take my Bible. I told her I wouldn't need it where I was going. Walking the avenues of Satan's path led to excessive drinking and became very promiscuous. My thought was “love em and leave em, before they have a chance to hurt me!”

 

In 1979, I joined the Navy. My first command was in Naples, Italy. I was dating my supervisor for a while. I began to struggle with sexual feelings toward my roommate, who was a female. I broke up with the supervisor and began a lesbian relationship. The first of a 14-year walk. We were together two years when Naval orders came in. I was being transferred to San Diego, Ca and she was being transferred to Norfolk, VA. In San Diego it didn't take me long to find the gay bars where I continued with several one night stands. The ship I was assigned to had gone on a Western Pacific Deployment. While we were in Hong Kong, several of us gay & lesbians found one of the bars. While we were one the dance floor some of the officers walked in. We shifted dancing partners so it looked like the guys were dancing with us gals. It was a way of covering for one another.

 

When the ship returned to San Diego, a neighbor had invited me to the gay church. That was kind of a good feeling...after all they taught that God Loves you! (Which He does) I thought I had found freedom and peace. Sometime later I noticed a couple of lumps in my right breast. The first two biopsies within two years I showed up hung-over.  During this time at the gay church they asked me if I would teach the children. I began to think that perhaps it wasn't a good example to teach children on Sunday morning hung-over, smelling like bad alcohol. I ask God to help me with my drinking as I was drinking about a case of beer daily, and not caring who I went home with. On July 4,1984, I had my last beer. I praise the Lord for cleansing me of my drinking. I also had another biopsy in July, this time I was sober but had some of God's peace. The biopsies were all benign. The church was part of the gay pride parade, so I marched with them.

 

In Oct 1984, I was introduced to a woman--Karen-- who was willing to go to the gay church with me. We began dating and after nine months we had a "holy union" (gay marriage). One time we were going to the gay church, and there were “Christian Zealot picketers' on the church side walk, screaming ”REPENT You’re going to Hell, AIDS is a curse from God!” I told my girl-friend come on, lets go inside!” I wanted to be where we could feel loved! The pastor had the sound crew pipe the message outside.

 

When we got out of the Navy, we moved to the Midwest. She had family in Indiana, and my family was in Iowa. We choose Peoria, Illinois. We could visit our families often. Both of our Moms allowed us to come to their homes.

 

We were looking for a church to attend, and the gay people wanted to socialize at the bar. She remembered an organization that had been part of her college campus.  We began attending and told people we were just sisters. In 1992 Louis Palau came to Peoria. We went through the counselor training, and were counselors at the Civic Center. He preached of God's love and forgiveness for all sins, including homosexuality.

 

Every time we went to Iowa, the visiting Pastor would speak out against homosexuality.

God had already begun putting special women in my path to help me on my journey. One woman-Diane, would often invited me to her house. We had worked on some Christmas things for the children's program the prior year. We had several deep talks, she would often ask, ”What's going on, baby!'  then she would wait & listen. She would often give me hugs and tell me how she prayed for me. She would say “God knows your pain, I can only wrap you up in my minds’ eye and place you before his altar. Honey, just let Jesus have your pain and touch your heart!”

 

In Feb 1993,Karen & I were to celebrate our 9th year together. I know I had great plans for the day. She suddenly said “that perhaps our relationship was wrong in God's eyes”. I told her “I could fight a man or a woman, but I was certainly not going to fight God!” I had already tried that and was not going to go back to the empty life of the bars. She moved out in March. I was deeply crushed, and through my tears ask God if he really cared. Are you real? God started bringing people into my life to show me his Love. Also the joy of being a friend with other women without sexual attractions.

 

In the first few months of our separation I came across the following scriptures: Cor. 6:9-11-- Don't you know that those who do wrong will have no share in the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, who are idol worshipers, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, [10] thieves, greedy people, drunkards, abusers, and swindlers—none of these will have a share in the Kingdom of God. [11] There was a time when some of you were just like that, but now your sins have been washed away, and you have been set apart for God. You have been made right with God because of what the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of our God have done for you.

 

As I read this passage I realized that I needed Him to take away my sexual desires and that I needed to really have a personal relationship with God. I needed to stop pretending and really trust God. I had lost my job, the bank was going to foreclose on the mortgage, my car was broken, and the little church I was attending was going to close also on Dec 25, 1993. I don't know how long I cried out to God, asking Him to forgive me, and asking him to take my life.  I realized that I need his help to overcome the homosexual life I had been living for the past 14 years.  I surrendered my pride and cried out for forgiveness, as I repented. I re-asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. I cried out to God for several days, seeking his love and asking Him” ARE YOU REAL?” As I continued to search the scripture, the book of John really showed me God’s love. John 4 really touched my heart. Jesus spoke softly to the Sameratian woman, and told her everything she had done. God was also speaking to my heart and showing me his love. Jesus told her' to stop sinning'...Repent turn from, to have a humble heart, let go and give it all to Jesus.

 

Diane's sister-in-law worked at one of the Hospitals and helped me get a job in the Dietary Dept. (Thank You Lord for more special women in my life!) It was through this job I was invited to Community Bible Study, and the core leader invited me to her church. The core leader had invited me to her church when she heard that this little church was going to close on Christmas.

 

At this Missionary church, I told a few people what I had been going through. After sitting in the back row for a year allowing God to work on my heart, I responded to the request to help with the Pioneer Club program. I started out as one of the leaders. Later I served as the Pioneer Club Director. For three seasons I was the VBS Director. In 2004 I began volunteering with Youth For Christ. Sharing the Gospel of Jesus to kids who often look at life with no hope at the Children's Home/Youth Farm. God continues to show his love, and mercy as I led in sharing the love of Jesus with some of these kids.

 

Today in our schools young people are being taught that homosexuality is an acceptable alternate lifestyle. Same sex attraction is being taught as a tolerant form of the third sex family living. Our Congress is voting on same sex marriage. God created a special relationship between men/men and women/women to be heart to heart friends. He did not intend for us to sexually cross the line.

 

In 2005 I began sharing my testimony of deliverance. A mother who heard my testimony shared with her daughter, and contacted me about talking to her daughter. We talked on the phone, when I finally met with this woman in person; I realized she had the characteristics or qualities of what I was attracted to. I shared this with some of the women in the Bible Study that I am involved in. A couple people told me to stop talking to this lady. As I looked to Jesus for help with this struggle, I realized that he never walked away from a person, nor did he expect his disciples to. He advised them to go two, by two. I have talked to this woman about my feelings for her, cried to God about her salvation, and my temptation. I thank God; I was able to share with the women in Ladies’ Bible study, to have them hold me accountable, with this temptation. I have been able to encourage some parent & family members of others struggling with same sex attraction.

 

Stepping into a different ministry is also about trusting God with the plans of the future.

I was thinking of Jabez 1 Ch 4:10 --  “Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, ‘Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request. I had been praying this prayer in 2003. I think back to 2004 when I first felt led by God to stand up and share what He has done in my life. How he delivered me from a 14-year walk of a gay lifestyle-gay bars, the gay church, gay pride parades, broken relationships. I remember telling a friend that I thought I was to tell that change is possible, but I was not sure how to do that. I began getting involved in other prayer circles; knowing that my small group was good, but more people praying would be better. Shortly afterwards the Pastor was speaking on sexual sins. I went to him and told him, “God wants me to stand up and share my testimony.” Six months later he had me share my testimony again, at the time we were airing on WPEO AM. In sharing how change is possible through God’s love, a few parents who have adult children struggling with same sex attractions had contacted me.

 

In November, 2008 I had the opportunity to join several hundred others in the prayerful rally at Springfield to also ask our senators to support “Marriage, One Man & One Woman.”

 

I operate a PFOX chapter in Peoria Il. Currently I have been leading a parent support group on the 2nd and 4th Thursday of each month. I also meet on the 1st & 3rd Thursday of each month with individuals.

 

The journey is difficult, same sex attractions are messy, and even a lengthy process. The request of the Church family is to love our neighbor as our self. God placed some wonderful women in my path to guide me by being my friend.

 

There is not one prayer or scripture that will simply break the bondage of homosexuality. When the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't drive out certain spirits, Jesus said” these kinds of spirits can only come out by fasting & prayer!” The challenge of believers in Christ is to introduce the person to Jesus, and let Jesus clean them. We often want to be the judge instead of letting God be the judge. When you tell a person “God hates the sin, not the sinner,” that individual might be stuck on the worldly definition of 'my' identity and only hear God hates you. Sin is sin at the foot of the cross, the Bible talks more about adultery, lying, gossip, and slander than anything else.

 

Without God everything is permissible! Through Jesus Christ change is possible!

 

Flo Hubbs
Director, Little is Much Ministry


John 6:9 Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, how far will they go among so many?