When Homosexuality Hits Home

by Rev. John J. Smid

A loved one has disclosed his homosexuality to the family. How does the family respond to this devastating news?

Shiela was angry when she called to talk about her brother’s homosexuality. After much discussion, it became apparent that her anger was not directed toward her brother as much as it was toward the effect of his disclosure on her family.

“All I hear Mom talk about lately is Fred’s homosexuality. I’m tired of all this. What about me? It seems like Mom doesn’t even care that I had a severe car accident last month. It nearly devastated me and I lost my car! Does she realize that?”

As you can see, homosexuality is not an isolated issue that only the homosexual person has to deal with. It effects mom, dad, brother, sister, niece, nephew, and the list goes on to include the entire family as well as others.

Shiela’s mom was so busy fighting for her sons life she had no energy to deal with her daughter’s accident. Shiela’s dad was feeling trapped by his shock and lack of knowledge about the issue. He found himself so unequipped he couldn’t even discuss the matter. Ben, Fred’s brother, remembered the time Fred was molested by the babysitter. He wondered how much this played into his brother’s homosexuality.

As I meet with the family members, one of the first things I see happen when a loved one discloses a homosexual condition is the process of the grief cycle. “ Why grief?” you might ask, “No one has died.” In reality, it seems someone has died-or at least a vision, a hope, or a perception has died. A mother can feel she has lost the hope of her son’s marriage, his children, and his future; a father fears the loss of his lineage, pain over the loss of the past and his mistakes; siblings feel the void of what they once shared with their brother or sister. In most cases, the perception of the entire relationship is now brought into question.

The family is staring at their loved one who has just disclosed his homosexuality. This bomb has just exploded on our family and it is all your fault, they may be thinking.

First of all, this issue is certainly not new to the homosexual person. Your loved one has been thinking about this for a long time and does not share your shock. Second, if this discussion is at his initiation, he has probably been working up to the disclosure with much fear and insecurity. If you have just confronted him, he may be caught off guard with the timing, but doesn’t feel any different about himself now than he did ten minutes ago.

More than likely, your son will quickly assess the family’s response. It is at this crucial time when he will make some hasty, and probably inaccurate, judgements about how this is going to affect his life.

In time, you will have processed this new information and come out the other side. You will certainly have many questions and, hopefully, a much different attitude than you had before. Your son will also change, as your relationship adjusts.

Shiela’s anger was probably not present at the first meeting with Fred. She may have been compassionate and listened well. Her anger rose up later as she watched others respond with their own shock and grief. The anger Shiela felt was a significant part of her own grief process. Attempting to deal with her difficult feelings, she pushed her brother away.

But inside, Shiela had something else happening. She wanted to desperately to come to a resolution with her brother. “It would have been easier if he had died”, she said. The grief process is a part of our emotional cycle that drives towards resolution. God had that in His plan when he designed us.

Now, Dad, what are you really feeling inside? Do you even know? This can be one of the most difficult questions to answer if you are a dad. As a father, I can relate to you.

I wonder many times what I am feeling. When asked, I struggle with performance anxiety. What is the person expecting from me? How should I respond? What if I blow it and respond with the wrong emotion? What if I say the wrong thing? So I have at times taken the easy way out and said nothing, led the discussion in another direction, or brought up a distraction. Try to remember that the people asking really care or they probably wouldn’t ask.

But if you really don’t know what you are feeling, that’s OK. If my son came to me with this revelation I might first go into “dad” mode: “What did I do to cause this?” I might wonder how my buddies would respond if they knew I had raised a gay son. I would certainly feel that I had failed. You might struggle with frustration about how you will relate to your son. If it wasn’t easy before, what will it be like now?

Well, Dad, maybe you did make some mistakes, but the best thing about this whole situation is that there is hope. Your son’s disclosure could be his attempt at restoring his relationship with you.

If he has worked up the courage to tell you, maybe he wants to get something going in this relationship. If you have had a good working relationship up to this point, he may even be coming to you for help. Even though you are probably going through some hurt and grief over this situation, that’s OK.

Mom, how are you going to keep this family together? How will you fix this horrible gaping wound that has stopped all “normal” functioning in your home?

Your other son and daughter have just left in shock. Your husband has just gone to repair the roof, or at least that’s what you think he muttered as he walked out the door. And there you stand, left alone, trying to cope with all of this.

Mom, the reality is that they are hurting just as much as you are and they are alone, too. You can’t fix them or your loved one’s problem. So the question is: What are you going to do for you? Where will you turn to get the salve for your wound?

No matter who you are and what the circumstances are for your family, the solutions the same: the Lord Jesus Christ. None of us can fix you or your loved one. Jesus has shown us the way to solve our hurts by seeking comfort from the Holy Spirit by sharing the grief with our brothers and sisters in the Lord.

“Oh, I could never share this with anyone!” you might say. It may feel like that right now. But in all the years I’ve worked with families in recovery, inevitably, when they finally find the courage to talk to others, they find the comfort they need in their grief and gain comfort from those who have been there.

I’ve also learned to trust the Spirit of Christ to rise up in others when we need it most. Ask Jesus to show you someone you can go to. He will be faithful to open up that door. God never intended us to deal with our sorrows alone. And if He never intended for us to be alone in our daily sorrows, then what are we doing alone now? If we are not working with His plan, our plans will fall short of what we need.

I know it may not feel like it right now but, “this too shall pass”. There really is another side to your tunnel.

Remember when I talked about the grief process? The goal of the grief process is to come to a resolution, a place of strength. That won’t happen by a change of circumstances with your loved one. Resolution may not come through your family responding any differently than they are right now. Each one is on their own path with its own timing.

But you can survive, you can get to that position of strength. Ask, Seek, Knock. Your door to freedom will be opened. God will be faithful to provide burden bearers for you.