Why I Wanted Out of Homosexuality

I guess most ex-gay people out there would agree with me when I say that the gay lifestyle pressured us to look good and act in ways that would make us acceptable. For instance, when I was living as a gay man, I was very dependent on affirmations from other people -- how I dressed, how I groomed my hair, etc. etc. and it was very very exhausting.

Gay relationships, at least for me were simply a case of parasitism. I had one that was mostly financial. He had me around to bear his soul out and lord over his messiahnic complex while I got my monthly allowance. This went on for a couple of years without the knowledge of my parents. They thought he was just a good friend helping out. A time came when it became all too suffocating. I could hardly keep him from calling me up late at night, or go with him to gigs I'd rather trade for flossing, so on and so forth.

Another person I was with albeit a short while, well, was simply more confused and emotionally distraught than I was. I liked it when I was being depended on. I felt good when people needed me for something. Others were purely physical. You see, not a single "relationship" I had was borne out of love but on mere dependency. The lifestyle became all too ritualistic for me. There was no space for emotional growth because the relationships were forged on false grounds-money, sex, compliments, etc.

A horrible double life it was. I was always conjuring alibis whenever I did things behind my girlfriend’s back. On the one hand, I know I will be lying to myself if I would say that I didn't love her. On the other hand, my gay life was just starting to get a positive push and the hype was simply too hard to trade off. In the end, God showed me the real deal. All this gay trash is simply about myself. I became very selfish because of it and made my vanities and insecurities the crux of my life. I was slave to my habits and desires, rendering me very much incapable of interacting with other people, especially straight guys.

I know this battle can be waged from a couple of months to even scores of years. Homosexuality is a conditioned response, whose roots can vary from one context to another. Like what I have learned, old habits die hard, especially when dealt with self-control. There must be something that would replace the habit of masturbation, sex and pornography. There must be something that would offer true and lasting happiness -- the very things that these kids are trying to find in every encounter they have. And no one else can fulfill these things but the love and mercy of God. I know it is pretty hard driving these seemingly abstract things round their heads but believe me, it is possible. There are more people like me who have licked the depths of hell and were restored by God's grace. There are a lot out there.

What led me out of the homosexual lifestyle? I found myself lonelier than ever. I thought my insecurities would disappear, but boy did they multiply. I was addicted to so many lewd things and doing stuff I really did not want to do. It was as if I was deliberately doing things all gay people did because I thought there was no turning back. But I was wrong. In the end, the people I tried to shun -- my family -- were the very people who helped me get through all the drama. And of course, this goes without saying that God's grace restored my dignity. If it hadn't for free web courses like "setting captives free" I wouldn't fully understand how homosexuality is simply a form of idolatry -- you look up to the male genitalia or body as a god.

From a son's point of view however, I do believe that parents should keep on trying to reach out no matter what it takes. I do not know if concerned parents can actually lead normal lives just sitting around and waiting for things to fall in their proper place. Yes, there is a great danger of pushing your children away because anything said and done against their life(style) or friends is tantamount to personal rejection. But this should not stop parents from taking a proactive role in helping or reaching out to their children. This goes without saying however that every household has a unique context to work around in. Be there, make your presence felt. If they get annoyed, well take a few steps backward but remain on track.

There are lots of things parents can do and staying at the sideline is definitely NOT one of them. You can talk to your kid at the right time and place. Only you can determine that. But even as he may shun you, hold on because he needs you more than you know it. Bottom line is, show him that YOU love him but you do NOT approve of his choices. Remember, the goal is not primarily to be heterosexual but to be holy. I believe the tag line is, "a man among men."

And I believe that God will make miracles happen, make your kids realize through certain circumstances and trials that He is the only true source of salvation. Be there when that happens. Be there when confusion sets in. When your children start thinking, "Am I doing the right thing?" Be there because the storm can sway them in either direction: TO GOD or FARTHER AWAY FROM GOD. Be there.

God heals and saves in His perfect time.

Al