Yes, I Have an Ex-gay Story, Too
I am a man. I was born and raised in Fresno, California and just
like everyone else, I was faced with daily challenges. I come from a
family of five, three sisters and one brother, me being the oldest.
We were a poor family that survived on welfare and lived in
affordable housing. My mother and father separated before I was
born, two years later after she gave birth to my sister, my mother
met my stepfather.
Being young and from unstable homes my parents partied a lot, I remember the physical and verbal fights that took place, which has scared me till this day. My sister and I were left unattended many times and with strangers my parents trusted. On one occasion my mom’s youngest brother stayed home with me and my sister to watch us as she went to run errands, I was four years old when my uncle took me aside and asked me to pull my pants down and threatened me to never say a word, I didn’t until I was twelve and my mother would not believe me for years said that I was too young to remember any of this happening. Incest took place with an older cousin years later and went on for a time without any family members ever knowing.
The relationship between my mom and I was very close growing up and I saw her as a friend that I could tell anything to, unfortunately being the oldest I was also the shoulder she cried on regularly when my stepdad was abusive. So my relationship with my stepfather was very distant, although I tried to love him and wanted for him to stop being so cruel and just love me, hold me, tell me that I was somebody. I have always had a deep need for his approval and acceptance, never felt I got that as a child or early teenage years.
Junior and high schools were difficult for me in trying to find my identity, because at this time I knew that I was attracted to boys and had a longing to be comforted by them. Wasn’t long after when I engaged in my first sexual encounter by a much older man, I was intimidated and scared for my life, but from that point on the curiosity I had for being with men grew. Not much longer after this episode I fell into soliciting myself around a local adult bookstore, which was within walking distance from where I lived. This was also the first place I found acceptance from others that had the same desires to be with men.
I came out to my mom and stepdad when I was 17 years old, relieved by their reactions to not disown me. By this time the countless number of sexual hook ups was overwhelming, I enjoyed what I was doing, the free alcohol and drugs was fun, but I kept that part of my life a secret for years out of shame. March 27, 1998 was the day I will never forget, as I was taken into a room while under the influence of methamphetamine to be given results that I was HIV positive. The drugs then progressed, with me wanting to take my life and die but scared because I believed that I was now given the judgment to eternal life in hell, that God hates Fags. Many in and out of the church are still using this statement, which is very ignorant. After I recovered from this news I went straight back to a gay community of acceptance, clubs, social gatherings in the parks and streets. I was naive to think that it wouldn’t get worse. Four years later I was diagnosed with full blown AIDS, Hepatitis C and colon cancer.
A year before I told my mom I was gay, she had given her life to the Lord, and told me throughout the years how much Jesus loved me, that no sin is greater than another. I always knew that homosexuality was not the norm. But I also knew that these feelings I had were not a choice. January 2003 I accepted Our Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior, in a time where I was unsure how much longer I had to live because of AIDS and desperately needed assurance that I wouldn’t go to hell. Every opportunity I had to go church I was there praying asking God to save me from a gay life that I had never asked for. His Holy Spirit poured down on my life and took all away my pain, hurt, resentment, hate, drug addiction, sickness, prostitution and an identity of being gay. Through His grace and mercy and most importantly His Love I have Freedom from being bound by sin.
God has healed me physically from Hepatitis C and colon cancer and this is only the beginning. I still have a positive result of the HIV virus in my blood, but Jesus Christ specializes in blood. I believe God moves in steps with us and through all that I have endured and challenges I have faced, this has built my faith up where I am learning to trust God My Father, not a report given by a doctor. I’m still a work in process and am taking it one prayer at a time. The love that was given through His Son Jesus Christ when He willingly died and sacrificed His flesh and blood on a cross for our sins to be forgiven can never be bought nor compromised.
Today, it has been over 3 years since I have surrendered my gay life. God has lead me to share my testimony to thousands on the Internet, church outreaches, schools and various religious functions. I am currently the Director of the Red Ribbon AIDS Project which is a ministry that not only Educates and Prevents the spread of HIV/AIDS, but helps direct and assist individuals who tested positive with the HIV/AIDS virus. I know I have so many dreams and goals but most importantly Eternal Life in Heaven that would have never have been possible without God being #1 in my life.
“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2 NIV