PFOX Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays

For Ex-gay Eyes Only

For Us is the place for ex-gays to read and anonymously post our honest feelings without fear of judgment or condemnation from others. This is our space! Tell us why you left or are thinking of leaving the homosexual or lesbian lifestyle, how you have adjusted, how you now view gays and everstraights, tips for others coming out of the lifestyle, you name it! Nothing is off limits – just be honest!

u know we seperate our selves from everyone
its not the str8s that do the most seperating its the gays...
its the gays that do the segregating
they make up their own community
they have to act a certain way now b/c they are out and its stupid they act all gay
So basically they aren't being themselves
We convince ourselves that we are born gay to make ourselves feel better

I am a woman and I had a relationship with another woman. She really had some emotional problems. The relationship with her was just one big emotional rollercoaster. She put me in debt. I remember when this happened to me, when one day I just came home and broke down crying, my mom took me in her arms and told me that she didn't understand why someone like me would settle for someone like her.

She said that even if I was going to date girls, that I should look for someone with values and who really would respect me and who would treat me right. But my mom had not lost me because she was giving a little by letting me be who I thought I was (ie, gay). When my mom did this, you know, even though that very second I didn't become heterosexual or anything, I knew right then and there that my mom did love me and that no matter what, she would be there for me. That is so important.

The last time I was in a homosexual relationship was when I was 21. So it's been 3 years, and I have been dating my male fiancé, Sam, for almost 1 year. It took me a couple of years to really change, and even in the last couple of years, trying to date men was strange. I had come to the conclusion that I really was probably not going to marry, and so I became an Air Force Officer, only to right after meet the man God had for me. But it's all in God's timing and plan, so I am happy to have a career for now, and to serve my country, and to get married to a man who I deeply love and respect, who has become my best friend. It doesn't matter in my mind that I struggled so long to date men, because you only marry one, right?

The decision to change, for me, was not based on feelings. My sexuality was no longer my identity. My identity became me being a child of God, and seeking Him for fulfillment, not another human being in a sexual relationship. I think this is also why I was fine in concluding that maybe I would just be single for the rest of my life, and maybe why God allowed me to come to that point and even commit to that (by taking the plunge and becoming an officer) before allowing me to meet Sam. That way I was taught to seek God for happiness, not a person (Sam). I know now that even if I hadn't met Sam, I would have been fine. Sam is a gift, but not a necessity. God is my necessity. Smile

It not just the fact that gays want to believe their sexuality is right and acceptable, they want everyone else to believe it too, that way it lets them off the hook. It's almost as if they think the more people they can get to accept and agree with the gay lifestyle, the more accepting God will be with it. I know because that’s what I used to do.

Even though I am a woman, all of my life I hated everything to do with what I thought was being female. I hated lace, pink, dresses, etc. I hated going to etiquette classes and crossing my ankles and folding my hands in my lap. I hated not being able to bite my nails. I wanted to be outside. I wanted to run and play and sweat and stink. I also hated being told I could not do something because I was a girl. When I was a lesbian, I never thought I would like being taken care of by a husband, but now I admit it is kind of nice.

My ex-gay husband was just the opposite of me growing up. He liked being inside as a child. He liked to be clean and have new clothes and go shopping. He got his first iron and ironing board when he was 3. He was considered "mamma's boy." He never expected to be taking care of someone. He never expected to be a hero. He was always looking for a hero.

But my how things have changed. God certainly has a sense of humor with us as an ex-gay couple and He has all of this planned out. The way it works at our house is, I do the yard work, wash the cars, maintain the cars, do the laundry and clean the bathrooms. He cooks the meals, cleans the kitchen daily, irons the clothes, vacuums, and other household chores that I hate and he loves. He handles all the money. I hate doing bills, I hate having to keep up with that stuff. If it were up to me to take care of the finances we would be poverty stricken. But at the end of the day, He's the Husband and I am the Wife.

He's the dad to the kids and I am the mom. It works for us. As far as personalities, i have always thought more like a man. I spent most of my childhood as one of the guys and I liked them better. I am learning though that I can have emotions and show them and that does not make me a sissy. There is this horrible misconception out there about gay men and women. When people learn that either of us were gay they are somewhat shocked because they expect him to be a sissy and me to be some butch. Directly on the contrary.

Anyway, I have rambled enough. I just wanted to share that with y'all. There is someone for everyone if that is what God chooses for us. I believe there are those that God calls to celibacy. But he has someone for most of us. I am blessed to have a husband that balances me out so well and he feels the same about me. Where I am weak, he is strong and where he is weak, I am strong. And God fills in all the other spots where we miss the mark.

Madeline C.

Ex-Gay Pride -- "Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So." Psalms 107:2 "Whom He has redeemed from the power of the devil." That's us, so let's celebrate and tell everyone!

I was thinking about this one experience that I had when I was acting out in adult theaters. This was many years ago now, but I was sitting there, trying to attract this one guy’s attention, but I couldn't.

I felt as though there was this bubble over me that was made out of two way mirror material. I could see out, but the other people couldn't see me or interact with me. I kept waving at this one guy, and wanted to attract his attention in the worst way.

All to no avail. I watched him as he went over to the guy next to me and began to be sexually active with that other guy. I watched as he dropped his drawers. Then I saw it. . . . he had active Kaposi's. In other words, he had end stage full-blown AIDS.

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God protected me from it that day. I've often asked myself, "Why did God protect me and yet allowed so many others to get the disease and/or die from it?" I don't have a good answer for that. But I'm grateful. I also know that if I were to ever go and be sexually active with a member of my same sex ever again, (an idea that's totally repulsive to me), that I would most likely contract HIV at that point. Definitely not worth it.

And while I was in boot camp in the service, I could see no action of any kind going on with anybody and thus my struggle was a lot easier than it would have been.


I remember how it was. One reason why militant gay people try so hard to be accepted is because they can't seem to accept themselves---so they want others to do it for them -- for an affirmation. Gays *know* the truth deep inside. Some do their best to follow up on that truth, some try to shove it far enough down into their hearts so they can play "oblivious" games with it, while others try to literally wring it out of their own hearts like water out of a soaked sponge with twisted scripture and social politics--just so they can claim innocence in the sight of God. All just for heartless, empty and meaningless satisfaction of the flesh....pity.

The Healing Path Out of Homosexuality - by a JONAH member

The healing path out of same-sex attractions leads each of us back to the man we are, always were, and deserved to be.

We became attracted to men because we learned to see ourselves as insufficient or not manly. Some of us were taught that we had to hide and lie to avoid pain and get approval. We all tried to connect with masculinity from outside, by loving another man's masculinity.

But none of this is true. We - you - already are sufficiently masculine. The healing process involves realizing this and embracing it.

In this process we do not change ourselves - we return to ourselves, and fulfill ourselves. We finally believe in our own masculinity - which was always there. We finally trust our own worth.